Alex

Be Still My Heavy Heart

In family, friends on January 11, 2009 at 1:19 am

Sleeping on my mom as a baby with a cat!

           

Today hasn’t been particularly special, amazing, or good. The previous night was very odd. I wish I could have been with my friends instead of where I had to be and with whom I was with. At work today,——-I work at an assistant living home——, there was a resident who fell cause they couldn’t make it  their toilet. Oddly enough, this happened to my momma today as well. :[, It really sucks having a mom that’s been slowly dying in front of your eyes for 6-7 years.

I try to be brave. I try to persevere. I prevail in the end, but getting there is a bitch. I’ve lost the only person I truly felt comfortable talking to my momma about. I just feel so alone. I’ve lost everyone who I ever gave my heart to and who loved me back. What is it about me that deter love?

Thus far my mom has the following:

  • Multiple Myeloma
  • Emphazima

This last 6 months has been the hardest since the first year with blood clots. Having to call 911 on your mother nearly 2-4 times a week cause she collapses while trying to walk, take a shower, etc. royally stinks. –well I’ve started to cry :’[— I hate to cry, I’ve shed more tears these last 4 months than I ever have in my entire life. I’ve lost every “rock” in my life. My mom will be the next. It all started with blood clots. She would collapse and lock her body and stop breathing. This happened a few times a week for 2 years (9th and 10th grade). I kept it very well hidden; no one really knew the extent of my life. I didn’t let people in. I didn’t want to be judged or pitied. I wanted to be seen and treated just like everyone else. I missed over 60 days a year, every year in high school. When the absences became high, I finally tell my teachers. I never received special attention, other than the fact I got to make up work later then other people. Many people thought I cheated on work, because I would obtain good grades, for never being in class. Well I worked my booty off in school; I didn’t have a computer for 9th, 10th, or 11th grade in high school. I would have to type things at my father’s every other weekend, or walk to the nearest library…about 2 miles away. I really did want to do my best and I think I accomplished it:]

p.s. I graduated High school with a 4.86 GPA…all A’s and one B!

I just hate how much pain I go through. I beat myself up about it, I blame things, I’m too outspoken against cigarettes apparently…ugh. I seriously don’t understand the point of smoking…like ew, gross.

Any who, my mom. She is single-handedly the most amazing person I’ve ever met.

She is/was/and will always be my rock and my truest best friend.

My mom has gone though more than any mother should ever go through. She never laid a hand on me or any of my other siblings. She worked hard to provide for her family. Then one day, she loses her daughter, and I lose my sister.  A few days later her father dies from alcohol poisoning. A few years down the road, I lose my lil brother-still born. Her only two sons-one is gay, the other is a  in the Army, overseas protecting this country. She always tells me that I am the reason she’s still on this Earth. She wants to see what my life has in store. She told me that she would be there for my High school graduation, and she was :]. Even when she is dying she keeps her word. Today it’s sort of kind of rough. She forgets who I am a lot of the time. She is always constantly searching for my sister. Her mind-set is reverting back to previous years, she is undergoing a living system reboot.

I love helping her. She claims that me being near her makes her feel like a million bucks. I know it’s icky, but I get to change her catheter in her heart, refill oxygen tanks, refill morphine tank, give her meds, help her use the restroom, help her bathe, cut her food for her, cook her food, grocery shop, help pay rent-and most importantly, I will miss combing and twirling her hair. ❤

When she passes I won’t be ready, but I have surrounded my life with people who I know will help me get through it. I won’t be myself for a while when it happens, but I will still be the same loving Alex. Just more shy and quieter and more reserved. It happened with my brother’s and sister’s deaths, I have a feeling it will occur again. I just wish Things were different. But God works in mysterious ways. What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.

As my momma always says as I have to leave her house, and with her thumb on my forehead: “God bless you, keep you safe”

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